I'm in a rut. Yesterday was a bad day and last week was a bad week (M-W). Work is overwhelming and life is overwhelming and I seem less able to cope with all of it.
Thursday night my mom, two sisters and niece got here though. So there were lots of fun things to be done over the weekend. But the emotional crash that came after they left was bad. I got dressed for yoga last night but couldn't go because I literally could not stop crying.
But, I have choices. I have the power to make myself happy. Sometimes I need to remember this.
This morning I woke up at 6, angry that I was awake and dozed till 7. Before I opened my eyes I told myself, "Today will be a good day."
It's hard. Because I've already been awake for almost two hours and done nothing. I can't seem to balance my schedule of constant work on the days when I have to work (13+ hours) and days when I'm off and have no obligations. This newfound freedom of my time, is unsettling. During school there was always something to study, so even my free time was overrun with the guilt of not studying.
Now, I literally have nothing I have to do, to fill my days. Leaving me feeling unmoored and adrift, purposeless.
I know that there are things that make me feel better. I discovered them during school. There are things I can do that ensure I am happier, lighter. Spending time outside seems to be a sure fire mood booster. This is hard to do if its cold and rainy like it is right now. As much as I try to convince myself that rain is pretty, it kills my mood. I need to move somewhere where it is sunny 95% of the time.
Things that make me happy (aka things that I need to do more of):
- letter writing
- art journaling
- yoga (and exercise)
- meditation
- spending time outside
- reading
- photography
I need to figure out what to do with my time off. And I know I should just be relaxing and enjoying the fact that I have nothing to do. But that seems to be a recipe for disaster, because having no direction in my life leaves me feeling lost and sad. I'm constantly cooking up ideas for ventures I can do on the side: photography, cake decorating, traveling. I keep coming back to the photography. It makes me truly happy and is something that is flexible enough that I could do it while working full time as a nurse. It would fulfill my creatively, allow me to use my mind differently and maybe even bring in a little extra cash.
I just need to ruminate on how to make it all work. It doesn't help being in a new city where I know very few people. The energy needed to get out and make contacts, meet people and other photographers feels insurmountable right now. But I'm working on it.
And it's spring. Spring is the time of new starts, flowers blooming, rain washing away all the dirt and grime. The weather is nicer, I feel happier than I do during the winter. Spring seems full of possibilities.
I took an Adventure Vinyasa class last week and the teacher said, at the beginning of class
"My idea of adventure is any situation in which joy is a
possibility."
I love this idea. The idea that adventures are fun and can be awesome if you allow them to be. I'm trying to apply this to my life. Everything can be an adventure if you let it. Joy is always a possibility if you seek it.
